We do not find ourselves, we CREATE ourselves!

I hear from people all the time that they are trying to find who they are. I have a different opinion on that. I used to think I needed to find myself and figure out what it was I wanted to do in life. I could never find myself and I got frustrated. I thought I should just give up looking because I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to find. I wasn’t even sure of how to begin looking for myself. Did I need to go on a mountaintop and meditate like a monk? As I got older, learned lessons in my life, I began to have a new outlook on myself. I wasn’t supposed to find myself, I was supposed to create myself. That was an epiphany that I needed to move forward. I loved knowing that I was a blank canvas. I listened to myself by learning what I disliked and liked. How I did that was I began to try new things. You don’t know if you like it until you tried it. My mom always used to tell me to try something and if I don’t like it, don’t eat it again, but always try it first. So, I tried lots of things that made me think, challenged me physically, and took my comfort level to a whole new place. I became uncomfortable. I began to realize lots of things about myself. I realized I like who I am for the most part. The parts I didn’t like, I learned how to make changes. I learned I really love helping others. I love the feelings I get by showing another person love. I love showing other people their own potential(or at least getting them to realize they have a lot of potential). I love, love, love decorating. I love making my home feel like a home. I am not afraid to try weird colors and patterns. If it doesn’t look good, return it to the store. Get outside of your box, find what you like, and just do things that make you happy. The one thing I want to get out of life is experiences and feelings. I love feeling positive. I have had a person who used to be close to me say, I am full of shit because how can a person really be as happy as I am. Honestly, I have seen some very dark times in my life. There are times where I felt like shooting myself and that is not a figure of speech. I had to reach in and push the rock that was covering my very dark and deep hole out of the way. I had to pull myself up, dust myself off, and remember I am worth more than what other people may think I am. I am valuable and I have a lot to offer. I can’t offer anything if I stay in my dark hole. So, I had my epiphany that I can create me. I can show the world what I have to offer if I open up and get out there. I don’t expect anything in return. There was a time I did. I used to many years ago do things and secretly expect the same treatment in return. That was my mistake. If I do something for someone now, I don’t expect them to return the favor. It is not like I am making a “nice deed” deposit into the bank and I am able to withdraw it later. That is not how life works. I realized that there are people out there who will use me, say nice things to me for their own gain, and not be there when I need help. These realizations did not stop me from doing good deeds and helping others. The realizations freed me from my impossible expectations. That is when I really began to live and love life. See, it doesn’t matter what others do or don’t do for you in return that matters, it is how freely you give as a person. Give and love generously. That is good for your soul. Your senses become heightened when you reach that level too. It is truly an odd and wonderful thing!
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YOU are NOT your circumstances.

We look at others and envy them for what we think their life is like. You just do not know what someone is going through. You have not spent anytime with them in their environment. We live amongst some of the best “Theater of Life” actors and actresses. Some people really appear to have their shit together. Life can feel unfair at times. Sit back and relax. We all have shit we are going through. Life is not easy. You have not just been singled out and dealt a bad hand. You are not your circumstances. Those events and people in your life that made it seem horrible do not define you as a person. You are not what others say you are. I heard a story on FB that was a lesson story. There was a teacher who asked the class to raise their hand if they wanted a $20 bill. All of them raised their hand. She crumpled it up and asked who wants it now. All hands were still up. She put it on the ground and stepped on it. Still everyone wanted it. She asked if it were full of mud, rained on, and torn would you still want it. Everyone of course did. The lesson is, no matter what happens to you. No matter who calls you what, pushes you down, and slanders you, that does not change your worth. Know your worth. The kids in that class knew that the money’s value hadn’t changed even though the outer appearance of the money had. Use the lessons in life to shape you, not define you.

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Life got you down? Change it up!

Are you feeling overwhelmed and stressed? I sure was and kind of am still. I have had a lot of life changes in the last year. I am dealing with divorce, raising 5 kids on my own, and the death of the dog this last week. At times I really felt like I was going to break. I knew giving up wouldn’t be an option. I have all these kids who are depending on me to be their everything. After all, they are feeling stress and feelings too. As I sat on my deck looking up at the sky(rum in hand), I prayed to God for clarity. I prayed for a break. I just sat there and began admiring the clouds, feeling the sun on my face, smelling the air, admiring the atmosphere. I went from feeling like I can’t do a thing, to I got this! My house is more peaceful, the kids are all healthy, I have opportunities that are presenting themselves everyday, and I am healthy too. I know deep down I am capable. For a very long time I doubted myself. I would try hard and make things happen. I was successful, but somewhere I doubted me. Over the last 3 months, I have really found out how strong I am. I have taken control of my life(mostly) and told myself that I am worth it. Life is about creating yourself. Since my husband moved to Louisiana on July 1, I have really tried to make my life different. I am decorating the house the way I want to. I also realized it is important for the kids to have their own space and say in how it looks. After I changed up my room and space, I began working on the girl’s room. Elsa and Nadia both told me they wanted black walls. I have been hesitant on doing black walls. I have put a lot of thought and effort into it. Many people said don’t do that, they will be depressed. That is a sign of depression. I took Elsa shopping for new bedding, she picked out wall d├ęcor, and I bought Nadia new bedding as well. I wanted them to feel good at night. I wanted them to own their space. The fluffy pillows, cozy soft blankets that feel so incredibly good against your skin, the textures, patterns, and layers all create a luxurious hotel feel. My 8 year old now makes her bed every single day. Both of the girls sleep so much better at night now. The room is only half finished but it has already transformed their attitudes. The boy’s room is next. They are looking forward to this change too. They are working together to come up with a design plan. I want my kids to know I value their opinion. I value their creativity. If something doesn’t look right, it is just paint! Do it again! Life is about taking risks. It is about stepping out of that box you hold yourself in and try something new. After all, if you don’t, you will never know your potential. When I die, I want to die with no regrets. I want to be able to say I lived. I want to give my kids the tools they need to be successful in life, starting with them knowing their worth. I want them to know that if they make a decision that isn’t the best one, they can learn, and correct it. I don’t want them to feel like they can’t be themselves. Each and every child is so different. I enjoy seeing them flourish and be comfortable in their own skin. My kids know I love them and I try to show it to them by allowing them to be themselves.
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