I totally get it…

I completely understand why people become work-aholics. Short answer, it’s safer. Relationships are hard, people use one another, and it’s messy. Keeping it simple and working will save the feelings of rejection, complication, whatever you are feeling, but may give you feelings of emptiness. You may feel like you are missing something but that something is painful and you are shielding yourself from pain to exchange it for another. What is the answer? I don’t fucking know. Which way are you going to give yourself or slice yourself up in a manner of speaking. Maybe I will just go hold babies at the hospital. That is an easy answer huh? They snuggle, don’t use you, and you feel useful. At least if you get fucked over at work, it didn’t involve your personal intimate feelings.
Have a great night.

My friend…..

What does it mean to be a friend to someone? Are you a friend? I think about my closest friends that I had in my life. I am forever grateful to have such great people I can count on in my life. We go through this life once and if you can get connected on such a level with another individual, you are truly lucky. The older I get the more deeply connected I want to be. I don’t need tons of friends, just a few good ones.


Happy St. Valentine’s Day!

I woke up this morning to a beautiful sunrise! I am grateful every morning that I am blessed to see another day. The sun is so bright filtering through my curtains. Today just seems perfect. Happy St. Valentine’s Day! Have you ever looked at the history of what most people are calling a Hallmark holiday? Emperor Claudius the second actually executed two men named Valentine on February 14. I know that is seems like doom and gloom. I just find it interesting how things are the way they are. There are many speculations as to what the men named Valentine did in their lifetime. The emperor killed them for wedding Christian couples in the 1400’s. So, maybe that is another reason that Valentine’s Day is a day of love? I think that we have many reasons to celebrate love and connections. Love comes in many forms. We can go out into this world today and love one another just by being kind. Hold a door for a stranger or simply smile at people you come in contact with. These acts of kindness don’t cost you anything except for your effort. That effort is worth a lot more than any money in the world. The one thing a person can give and never get back is their time. I feel many people in this world don’t value their time or account for it as precious. If you want to show someone you care for them, spend time with them. It isn’t about what you own, how big your bank account is, it is about the intangibles you give. The most valuable things on this Earth cannot be measured. Take the time to share your thoughts with another person. Take the time to chat face to face. These are the moments you will remember. Have a beautiful St. Valentine’s Day!!!!!!!!!!!!


Who we think we are, defines us.

I have different views of who I think I am. If I go back to grade school, I can still hear some of the kids who were mean to me, the girls who were cruel to me in middle school, and the kids that talked behind my back in high school. If I allow those feelings and words to drive me, I will be what I think they think of me. It took me years to get those thoughts and feelings under control. I went through life hating my nose for instance. I was always told it was too big and it made me ugly. Kids can be cruel and kids also can say things that are mean maybe because they feel bad about themselves. We just don’t know what is going on in their head and therefore, we can’t allow it to rule our heads either. You are not who you think other people think you are. One freedom I have found in my 40’s is, I can be the person I want to be. I had a boyfriend tell me in the last year that if another guy saw me naked, he would never call me again. Those words hurt, however, as I looked at the person saying it, I wondered if that was true, why did he want to stay with me. Of course, we are no longer together. Saying mean things to others and putting them down is a true measure of how that person views themselves. Either that, or they are just trying to control you by trying to take your self-esteem away. In any case, don’t allow it to define you. Who are you? More importantly, who are you to yourself. I got dressed up yesterday and took myself out on a date with myself. It may sound strange but if I do not value myself, why should anyone else? Love yourself truly. That is the most freeing feeling. Accepting yourself completely is what love really is. You don’t need anyone to make you whole. A life partner should add not take away. You are whole already. Make deeper connections.


AS I prayed this morning, I didn’t expect this…..

I woke up this morning in Thanksgiving. I had stayed up as my kid was sick last night. In spite of some of the things that happened, we were able to go serve the poor( minus the sick kid). I prayed for God to bless our day and our actions. We went and grabbed the food, which fit perfectly in my car. We brought the food in and began serving up plates. The folks were very grateful, some weren’t, and I reminded my kids that we just don’t know what is going on in their hearts or lives. Serve with a smile and be polite is what I say. We had over 110 people to serve. I thought we were going to run out of food. Guess what, some had seconds and took food to their rooms. We had leftovers still! So, we served up portions in to go containers, then set out to find those on the street who were hungry. This man on a corner looked so hungry. We asked him if he wanted a meal, he took it graciously and said please go before I start crying. You just never know what is going on in someone’s life or how they got where they are. It is not for us to judge them, just feed them. No matter what condition someone is in, we all deserve food. I was thinking that I think there are two conditions that are the worst and those are in my opinion hunger pains and being cold. We managed to put together 25 additional food boxes with the food we thought we were for sure going to run out of. I instantly thought back to the loaves and fishes story. When you ask God to bless your food and actions, he can and will amaze you. Another person we saw on a bus bench hunched over with a blanket covering her whole body and head, two of my kids went up to her and asked her if she would like some food. She took it and didn’t speak but was able to eat it. I plan on holding on to these memories of humanity. There are so many things wrong in this world but there are so many right things too. If we choose to see the bad we will miss the good. Prayer works but you also have to be willing to be God’s hands and feet to move and help those down here. We are all hurting in some way. Let’s spread love and crush darkness.

Matthew 25:31-46New King James Version (NKJV)

The Son of Man Will Judge the Nations

31 “When the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the holy[a] angels with Him, then He will sit on the throne of His glory. 32 All the nations will be gathered before Him, and He will separate them one from another, as a shepherd divides his sheep from the goats. 33 And He will set the sheep on His right hand, but the goats on the left. 34 Then the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: 35 for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; 36 I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? 38 When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? 39 Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ 40 And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’

41 “Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: 42 for I was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink; 43 I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me.’

44 “Then they also will answer Him,[b] saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to You?’ 45 Then He will answer them, saying, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ 46 And these will go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”


Happy Thanksgiving!

Today, I am thankful for those who are in my life. I am Thankful I have another day to serve God. I am Thankful for those my family will be serving today. WE go to a highrise and volunteer for the Union Gospel Mission.  Those older folks that are waiting for us have taught us so many things. They have taught us their many life lessons. It is amazing what you learn through serving others. I would not have our holidays any other way.


How do you spend your days?

WE all get the same number of hours in a day. WE all have wishes, desires, and floating thoughts in our heads. What do you do with the hours you have or even minutes you have each day? Some people are really good about using their time wisely. Some people pack the most work in each day to get ahead, maybe even perhaps get that promotion they have been yearning for. Are we chasing that proverbial carrot in front of us. The next shiny thing we go after and then realize we are really not working towards anything? If we listen to others and listen to their embellishments, we can see nothing but shiny things. We all hear what we want to hear. It is easy to get caught up in words. What do you want out of life? Is it money, fame, to leave a legacy, to be remembered, or do you actually want to enrich your soul? I choose enrich my soul. Money can only get you so far in life. Without people and relationships, you have nothing. Spend time. Time is the one thing that you can spend but not get back. I think about the many people who are suffering in this world and the only thing I can do is pray for them. Trust in Jesus to help them. We are all on a journey. We are not in a race with anyone. Everything we do comes in our own right time. Each person in this world is at a different stage in their journey. WE can all learn from one another if we try. The only thing we own is our actions. WE all belong to Jesus if we want to belong to him. He has us written in his heart. He will never leave us, especially in our most perilous times of need. WE have to choose him. WE have to trust in him. When you are unsure how to spend your time, pray and then help others. Truly those actions will enrich your soul. It can’t hurt right?

Jesus, I trust in you! Please forgive me for all I have done to make you sad…….the longer I live, the more I fall, the more I realize how broken I am and only Jesus can give me the grace I need to get through this life. When we are at the point in our lives where we fall and realize, we can choose to  fully abandon ourselves and allow God to come into our hearts. When we abandon what we think we need, we get what we truly need. Only that can come from God. Only God can fulfill that void in our hearts. WE crave God and we fill it with other things that are so bad for us. We don’t realize how destructive we can be to ourselves. Then one day, we feel so broken and ask for help. It takes time, but God will fill you with his grace. I truly believe at our deaths, we will see the sacrifice  Jesus made for us and the price he paid for us, so that we can enter heaven. Without Jesus paying that price, none of us would be able to enter heaven. Jesus is the key and the way to heaven. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around the Holy Trinity. I have tried, believe me I have tried. The conclusion I have come to is that some things are just too big for our brains to comprehend. This is where true faith comes in. Yes, we all falter from our faith because we are human. I do believe we come back to it though. God has written his commandments in our hearts and he has claimed us as his own. With Free will comes a huge responsibility. We can choose him or not choose him. Telling someone they have to love you isn’t love. Being chosen and that person loving you, truly loving you, is love. WE don’t have to love God. We don’t have to choose him. That is the beauty of this gift of FREE WILL. Jesus had FREE WILL and he knew we needed him. He CHOSE to subject himself to the cruelty of his creation. He didn’t create evil, but he gave us FREE WILL. Without light, darkness lurks. We all have fallen to Satan’s false promises. He makes it look shiny and sooooo good. The problem is, once you choose, the light in your soul begins to become no more. My opinion is we all need to work on keeping the light on in our soul. The only way we can do that is through desire and trust in God. God doesn’t promise things that aren’t real. He won’t offer you the next shiny thing. He can offer you true happiness. Many of us feel we don’t deserve true happiness because we continually punish ourselves for our sins. I am here to tell you that if you don’t forgive yourself, you cannot move forward. If Jesus can forgive you, you can forgive yourself. It is not an easy task but it is as simple as that. Forgiveness is letting go, being truly sorry, and trying not to do it again. We never forget what we did but that is a good thing. Without our recollection, we can fall into the same mistake/sin. When we learn from our sins and falls, we are on a good path. Ego can get in the way sometimes. WE can maybe feel like we don’t need his grace. When we feel that, we are throwing his gift away. It is like telling a friend you don’t need or want their present they are giving you. How do you think that makes them feel? Every time we throw God’s gifts away, we are hurting him. Most of all, we are hurting ourselves.

The picture of Jesus’ face down below, my grandma Kraker had that picture in her guest bedroom. I used to look at it and feel that was the closest picture to what I felt Jesus looked like. One night I was feeling a little scared. I prayed to my guardian angel and I prayed to God. I opened my eyes and that in the dead of night, that room was so dark, the halo behind his head began to glow. I could see the picture clear as day. Almost as if a flashlight was shining on his picture. After that, I always, think of this when I am scared. it calms me down and reminds me I am not alone. Yes, I have gotten caught up in things in my life that I have strayed from Jesus, but I always come back. I just really felt like you should know this story.